How good of a listener are you?

Until I learned about active listening, I thought I was a pretty good listener. Yet, through a Non Violent Communication training course 15 years ago, all the wrong boxes checked on what I was going to say next or bringing the conversation about me to show I really understood my speaker. Therefore, active listening was not happening, at all. It’s a skill, that needs to be developed like any other.

During the course, we did listening exercises of reformulating what we heard once the speaker finished speaking for 3 minutes. It was hard to keep our thoughts quiet to be fully with the person. And the more it was practiced, the easier it became. At least during the course because everyone was working towards the same objective.

Then, I’d bring it home and try it with my spouse and kids. Add to the mix, emotions and triggers, and active listening was a huge challenge, (bite marks on my tongue level of challenge). Again through practice, it became second nature. Especially since it was a tool I used professionally and is now the center of my coaching and accompanying clients in their transformation journey.

Yesterday, while listening to a podcast of Brené Brown with professional coach Aiko Bethea, Aiko talked about the 3 channels of listening: 1. Channel one, listening to hear, 2. Channel two listening to understand, and 3. Channel three, listening to connect. This made me reflect upon how I showed up for my family.

As a parent, what does listening to connect look like? When we’re wrapped in our emotional reactions stemming from fear, anger, disapproval and/or confusion, how can we show up to connect? How can we navigate through the different channels of listening to reach connection?

Aiko mentions to think about “how to you want to be or feel” with that person? It comes back to remembering that human beings all have the same fundamental needs. Where we frequently disagree, are with the strategies that we employ to fulfill those needs. The friction comes from those needs not being met.

So, as a parent, instead of focusing on the “what”, can we focus on the “how”? Through true connection, which creates a psychologically safe place to have those hard discussions. It does not mean approval or lack of boundaries or not expression emotions. It simply means to take a pause, think about how to show up and listen to connect. It’s not about winning, or being right, it’s about being curious and compassionate towards our offspring, no matter what age.

Send me a message and let me know how it goes!